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Unearthed Blurbs

It’s fascinating to see what blurbs marketers use to accompany a trailer for a movie’s advertisement. A reputable film critic’s blurbs are splattered over advertisements for movies up for major awards. A series of tweets from BignHot69 lauds the work of “Madea Goes to the Optometrist.”

The blurbs aren’t the end-all be-all to convince people whether to see a film, but it seemed somewhat strange that a blurb from Bill Simmons accompanied an advertisement of “Lone Survivor.” The collided worlds signaled an epiphany. If Simmons was deemed competent enough to speak on the merits of “Lone Survivor” then other personalities in sports media have probably done the same. So, in the spirit of some television-detective work, I unearthed (or created, depending on how gullible you are) quotes from other personalities in the world of sports in reference to movies they’ve seen.

What follows are quotes left off of advertisements for the movie they reviewed.

“You got this guy, this doctor guy, and his wife, heh, heh, heh, he drops her off at home. And boom! Some man with a mechanical arm ends up killing her. And this doctor, he’s charged with murder! I mean, murder, not larceny or loan sharking, but murder! So he’s on this bus and this bus goes whack! Whack with a train. He’s out on the lamb and he tries to find his wife’s killer while eluding the cops and guys with guns. It’s great.”-John Madden on “The Fugitive”

“Hello friends, the picturesque Midwestern landscape provides the perfect backdrop as the hard-driving Neal Page tries to make it home for a blissful Thanksgiving with his family. The only problem, and it’s one with some girth, is weather hazards, long a great accoutrement to any story line and Del Griffith, the rosy-cheeked, mustachioed shower curtain ring salesman. Watch as Page and Griffith traipse from one beautiful slice of America to another in attempts to make it to Chicago for Thanksgiving.”-Jim Nantz on “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.”

“So there’s this little (expletive deleted), who I love, the kid’s a real piece of (expletive deleted) and his stupid (expletive deleted) parents, who are your typical suburban white bread (expletive deleted) forget about the kid, you know the little (expletive deleted), who I love, when they take their ugly, boring (expletive deleted) family to visit some relative in God knows what awful foreign (expletive deleted) country which no real man would ever want to visit. I liked the (expletive deleted) movie, the guy with the shovel could beat the (expletive deleted) out of Boog Powell, he’s that (expletive deleted) quick with that thing.”- Earl Weaver on “Home Alone.”

“The sanctity of marriage in all of its wonderfulness gets turned on its head in a remarkable, breathtaking, awe inspiring manner by the grace of Steve Martin and Diane Keaton, and the spine-tingling quirkiness of Martin Short. I had so much fun I might want to get married again, a thousand times. Life is grand.”- Bill Walton on “Father of the Bride.”

“People want to call him Lord and Savior, but is he really any better than Peter, Paul, or even Simon, the guy who helped him carry the cross? I don’t think enough people talk about how Pontius Pilate was the real leader in the movie. You saw how he condemned Jesus to death? He’s the one in charge, not Jesus. Jesus seemed too all-powerful in the film, too all-knowing. What is he, the son of God? He’s a product of the hype machine. He’s certainly no leader, just like LeBron.”-Skip Bayless on “The Passion of the Christ.”

“The heart of Rock and Roll may be in Cleveland, as Huey Lewis sang, but the heart of tires and soul is in Sandusky, Ohio. Watch Chris Farley and David Spade navigate the changes in a company where as the Who says, the old boss is like the new boss and they hilariously try to save their jobs and the jobs of hundreds of others. Operator, can you help me place this call, as Jim Croce sang, because they’re dialing up laughter by the minutes. The movie gives you something more, more than a feeling, as Boston sang.”- Chris Berman on “Tommy Boy.”

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