Self-Help

Avoid The Tag

In a way to insulate readers from the deviants and drudges of the world, there are certain taglines that upon seeing, one should flee the room. If the tagline presents itself on a PC or tablet, then the user must light the device on fire and throw it into their alley. If they don’t live near an alley, a busy intersection or crowded movie theatre will do. Proceed with caution if you happen upon the following taglines:

You don’t know what he’s going to say next: Typically reserved for “shock jocks,” a term in and of itself which carries no weight to begin with, and even less if said shock jock refers to himself as a shock jock. Well, what exactly will this kooky, fun-timing, son-of-a-gun say next? Something very similar to what a self-saturated, egotistical, counter-culture seeking, vapid gasbag would utter. Their comments fall just short of race-baiting, paired with a few sexist barbs all while questioning the sexual orientation of their callers. The lightning rods of controversy preface their comments with, “Not many people are like what I’m going to say,” or “this might come as a controversial statement to some.” Actually, scratch the last part, the drink-stirrer often fails to use “controversial” in its proper context, but don’t worry they have enough sound drops and fictional characters to start the final installment in the “Police Academy” series. These fellows are spotted in one-man shows broadcast on national sports networks, or in debates on the same type of network. You may not like it, but your insatiable appetite for the inane will be reason enough to not change the channel.

The most fun you’ll have at the movies: So you’re telling me that even after I have to park at the far end of the parking lot, pay at least 10 dollars to watch Vince Vaughn reprise the role of Vince Vaughn for the umpteenth time, slather my hands in the butter/motor oil from the popcorn, and hear a knock-off of Statler and Waldorf critique previews, there’s more fun to be had?!?! Sign me up.

Sadly, the movie experience will never, ever replace the time my grandma took my brother and I to “Titanic,” only to see her pull gigantic plastic cups out of her coat for us to get free sodas, load her pockets with old Christmas candy, and hear her mutter, “well you’ll see one in person soon enough,” during the DiCaprio/Winslet modeling scene. My “most fun you’ll have at the movies” award is wrapped up. However, the contest for “most fun you’ll have at an emissions test” is up for grabs.

Hilarity ensues: The catch-all for those of us unable to guess if hilarity might ensue and even if we can’t guess, the appliers of the line tell us that rest assured, hilarity will eventually ensue. The line is more often than not tied directly to a movie and is only strengthened if the zany young male from the country club gets a culture shock when he has to work with the sassy, even zanier staff of an inner-city public school. What’s going to happen when both cultures collide? It’s a well-educated guess that hilarity will ensue, only to be followed by chest pains, angina, and the butt-sweats.

Starring the cast of “Two Broke Girls”: Self-explanatory.

Captures the spirit of: Especially applicable during the holiday season. It’s the time of year where everything from made-for-TV movies, infomercials, investigative reports, and variety shows claw and scratch and dig to really capture the spirit of the holidays. While we may be enamored with Brian Austin Green’s acting chops as a down-on-his-luck lumberjack-turned-elf, or a duet between Gonzo and Bruno Mars, our concern should be how the network executives, producers, and directors capture that spirit for us. Is it through kissing, bare feet in the gym shower, with a mason jar, or riding a tractor in a swim suit? And whose holiday spirit have they caught? I feel very uneasy knowing some group of strangers have captured something for me without any exploratory tests at the clinic.

Be careful. Tread lightly. You’ve been warned.

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